Sleep Teaching

For the past few months, I had spending a significant chunk of my day rocking Charlotte to sleep for her 3-4 naps and at bedtime. While I absolutely loved to cuddle her and had been fully enjoying (for the most part) these special moments we had together, the time had come for her to learn how to fall asleep on her own in her crib (she was 5 months old).

How did I know this?

1) My motherly instincts told me she was ready (always trust your instincts).

2) She was getting so strong that when I was rocking her it felt as though I was fighting against her to keep her from squirming out of my arms. She had also taken to sleeping on her stomach and when I was holding her it seemed as though she was trying to wiggle herself into that position which doesn't really work when someone is holding onto you.

There are other more practical reasons as well.

The only way I could get Lilah to remain quiet and out of my hair for long enough to get Charlotte to sleep was to have her watch television and I was unhappy with the amount of television she had been watching as a result. Occasionally, Lilah's shows were not distraction enough. My frustration level would reach it's peak when I had been rocking Charlotte for ages and Lilah burst into the room just as she nodded off and woke her again. Before I blew my top, I needed to take action!

I am using the term "sleep teaching" because I dislike "sleep training". To teach is to "cause to know", "guide the studies of", impart the knowledge". To train is to "form by instruction, discipline, or drill". I am doing what we as teachers do in the classroom; provide support and reassurance, tailor our teaching to the individual child, exercise flexibility and make necessary changes to the lesson along the way if necessary (as an aside, I am a teacher trained to teach Kindergarten through 6th grade).

My Approach (My approach is not really rocket science and I most certainly did not invent it. Versions of it can be found in many books on sleep.)

Step 1: Nurse (Charlotte does not always want to nurse before she naps so this is not a necessary step).
Step 2: Sit in the rocking chair (where I previously rocked her to sleep) and read stories.
Step 3: Give Charlotte a little cuddle and a kiss and put her in her bed.
Step 4: In the beginning, I was staying in the room near her bedside placing my hands on her for comfort and shushing her when necessary. Gradually, I began leaving her bedside, but stayed in the room (sitting in the rocking chair beside her crib or doing odd, quiet jobs around the room) so that I could reassure her when she needed it. We are now at the point where staying in the room is not always necessary and is even sometimes counterproductive so I frequently leave and return only when she needs reassurance.

I am not a supporter of the cry-it-out approach whereby you leave your child alone until they fall asleep no matter how long it takes. However, I believe some crying is acceptable and even necessary in order for children to learn to fall asleep on their own. After all, crying is one of the strategies that babies use to shut out the world around them so that they are able to fall asleep. I have found with both of my girls that after a few attempts at teaching them to fall asleep on their own, I have been able to really quickly figure out which cries are the "I am trying to fall asleep" cries and which ones are the "I need you" cries. I don't hesitate for even one second to return to the room when I hear the "I need you" cries and give a cuddle or whatever kind of support is necessary even if it means taking them out of the crib, giving them a break and starting the whole process over again after a little time has passed.    

Anyway, it actually ended up being really pretty easy (which reassures me that she was ready). We have been at it for a few weeks now and she has put herself to sleep for almost every nap and at night from the first attempt. The length of time for which she cries varies (sometimes there is no crying at all) and is very much related to how tired (or not tired) she is. It never takes more than 15 or 20 minutes for her to fall asleep and if she is still awake after 30 minutes, I get her up and we try again a little later. Lilah has been watching less television which is great and I think we are all better for making this change.

I was hoping that teaching her to fall asleep on her own would help with her frequent night wakings as well in that she would be able to put herself back to sleep rather then needing to be nursed back to sleep. Just this week, we have started to see that and she now sleeps for about 6 hours before waking to nurse and then has a couple of 2-3 hour stretches before waking for the day. She still occasionally wakes before her first feeding, but she only fusses for a few minutes before going back to sleep on her own. Now that is progress!

A Few Months Later...

I had a little chuckle as I read my Charlotte is a Sleeper post from a few months ago. My how things can change so quickly when you have a baby. I think it is humorous that just as you start to feel like you have a good thing going, they (they being the babies) throw you a curve ball. Perhaps it is just their way of keeping us on our toes, from getting too comfortable and from feeling like we have some semblance of a routine and order.

About 2 months ago everything went down the tubes as far as Charlotte's sleeping goes (well, I shouldn't say it all went down the tubes because she was still sleeping well during the day). She suddenly started waking more often in the night (like every 2-3 hours). Gone were the days when I would get three solid stretches out of her and gone were the days when I woke up feeling rested!

For the past two months, I have been blaming/hoping it was teething. If it was teething, my thought was that she would start sleeping well again once it/they came through the gum. Alas, teeth have yet to appear and it is getting harder to convince myself that teething is causing the frequent night wakings.

It has been two and a half years since we were in this place with Lilah. Most of her early milestones seem like they happened a lifetime ago, but the sleep deprivation seems like it was just yesterday.

If I include the sleep deprivation I experienced while pregnant with Lilah, I have now been sleep deprived for over 3 years. I suppose a few more months isn't going kill me (because Charlotte WILL be sleeping through the night LONG before she turns a year old...stay tuned for the post I write next March complaining that she isn't.). The best laid plans...

*On the bright side...Charlotte does go to sleep every night by 7pm so we at least still have that piece in place!

*In addition we have been working really hard on teaching her to fall asleep on her own in her crib and the hope is that it will help her be able to put herself to sleep at night when she wakes. It actually happened last night so I am very hopeful. More to come on this soon!

Homemade Play Dough

Up to this point, we have been buying brand name Play Doh for my daughter because it was just easier (or so I thought). Today I decided we would try to make some together and it turns out it is incredibly easy and a lot of fun to make! Here is the recipe we used...

Homemade Play Dough

3 c. flour
1 1/2 c. salt
6 tsp. cream of tarter (important for stabilizing the dough...find it in the spice section of your local store)
3 Tbsp. oil (vegetable oil)
3 c. water
food coloring

Mix all ingredients together in a large saucepan. Stirring constantly, heat over medium heat until a dough ball forms (the dough will start pulling away from the sides of the pot). Knead dough until the texture matches that of play dough (1-2 minutes). Separate into balls and knead in food coloring to achieve desired colors. Store in a plastic container.

You can also use unsweetened Kool-Aid powder to add color and scent and glitter although I have not tried either of these variations.

The recipe says that it should last about 3 months, but as we just made it, I can't attest to that just yet!

Happy Play Dough making!

On Feeling Productive

I am busy all day long, but at the end of the day I often feel as though I was very unproductive. There seems to be very little time in the day to get anything tangible done like cleaning, cooking, personal care, laundry or things that I enjoy like exercising, blogging and keeping in touch with friends and family. I spend time with my children when they are awake which is absolutely what I want to be doing, but there are days when I find myself getting frustrated that I am not checking anything off of my mental to-do list nor am I finding time to pursue my own interests.

I recently read an article about the challenges of feeling productive as a stay-at-home mom and it really struck a cord with me and made me realize that I needed to start thinking about and approaching my days in a different way. The article talked about the importance of defining what you view as progress, setting realistic goals for yourself, keeping your phase of life in mind when setting goals and defining progress, and increasing your self-discipline and making sure you are prioritizing. 

I like a clean house so I easily start to feel frustrated when the laundry starts to pile up and too much time has passed since I last cleaned my bathroom or kitchen. I decided that I needed to start setting manageable, daily goals in this area in order to feel like I was progressing. Cleaning the entire apartment and getting all of the laundry done at one time is just not realistic for me right now. At the beginning of the day, I now decide on a few manageable tasks that I would like to accomplish before going to bed (I usually don't get to them until after the kids are in bed). At the end of the week, I usually end up with a relatively clean apartment and my laundry pile is a manageable size which makes me feel successful.

I really wanted to start working out again, but it wasn't something that I was making a priority and it was another area that I felt I was not making progress in. It is impossible to find time during the day to exercise on my own so I decided to reorganize our day to incorporate exercise for myself and include the girls. We now head out the door with the double stroller almost every morning right after Charlotte's morning nap for a walk or a run. On the weekends, we go out as a family and run or walk. This not only makes me feel better about myself, but I think it makes me a better mom because I am able to release stress and tension and I am setting an example for my children while showing them the importance of fitness and that it is an activity that can be enjoyable. I am feeling great and the girls seem to be enjoying themselves too. Lilah will even occasionally ask me if she can get out and run which I of course let her do because I think it is just awesome that she is expressing an interest in joining me in an activity that I enjoy and that is good for both of us. (As a side note, we are planning on doing a 5K Fun Run this weekend as a family)! 

I still haven't been able to spend as much time doing other activities that I enjoy, but I am getting better making them more of a priority and incorporating them into my schedule. A big part of this has been increasing my self-discipline and making sure I am making the best of the time I do have to do the things I enjoy because I can easily get sucked into a television show that I don't need to be watching or mindlessly surf the Internet.  

Our schedule is constantly changing because Charlotte is still taking 3-4 naps a day at various times so I have to be pretty flexible at this point and accept that in this phase of my life, there are things that are not going to get done when I want them to and that I will be able to incorporate more of the things I like to do into my schedule when things become a little more predicable. For now, making small changes and setting small manageable goals for myself will help me to feel as though I am being productive and progressing in my life as a mother and an individual.  

Charlotte is a Sleeper!

I haven't forgotten that Lilah didn't sleep through the night until after her 1st birthday or that it seemed like we were up all night trying to get her to go to sleep for the first few months.

I am thrilled that Charlotte (now 2 months) has been a great sleeper from day one. My experiences with Lilah had me preparing for 2 hour stretches of sleep at night (if I was lucky) for the first year or more. My dear, dear Charlotte is AMAZING! She goes to bed around the same time as Lilah (between 7 & 8pm) and sleeps until 6:30/7:00am, only waking twice to nurse. 

I was very used to the 2-3 hour naps that Lilah now takes and was not looking forward to loosing that 'me' time when Charlotte was born. Luckily, one of Charlotte's naps usually overlaps with Lilah's so I still get a hour or so of quiet alone time (or time to cook and clean).

With Lilah, I dreaded each time she decided to drop a nap whether it was when she went from three naps to two or from two naps to one because I would get so used to the time I had to do what needed to be done or have some quiet time. Looking back, each change was for the better and actually made life a lot easier. With Charlotte, a napping pattern seems to be emerging and I think we are heading toward a three nap a day schedule. I actually can't wait until she is in a predictable two nap a day schedule and I know by that time I am going to be looking forward to a one nap a day schedule simply because it makes getting out and doing things so much easier!

As crazy as it sounds, I am actually looking forward to the day when Lilah drops her afternoon nap altogether (which, however, I am hoping is not going to be for a LONG time or at least until Charlotte is down to one nap as day) because it will be so nice to have that alone time with her while Charlotte is sleeping.  

I don't know how much of Charlotte's great sleeping habits can be explained by parenting vs. her natural habits and cycles. Right from the beginning, I just naturally started nursing her in a quiet dark room around the same time as Lilah was going to bed which may be the reason that they go to bed at the same time. She gained weight really quickly in the beginning which may explain why she was sleeping for long stretches early on. Whatever the reasons, I am a happy, rested mommy and I have happy, rested BEAUTIFUL, WONDERFUL children (and a happy, rested Daddy too)!

Introducing A New Baby

We read books and talked about our new baby and being a big sister for months before Charlotte arrived in hopes that it would help prepare our 2-year old (Lilah) for the life-changing event that was about to occur.

I had built up images of a beautiful first-time meeting between the two when Lilah came to visit me in the hospital, Lilah being a wonderful little helper around the house and Lilah being totally smitten by her new sibling.  

As I should have known, that isn't exactly how it was all going to happen...

Lilah came down with what we think was the flu the day I went into the hospital to be induced. Not only was she sick (which rarely happens), it was also the first time I had ever been away from her overnight. She was with my mom so I knew she was in excellent hands, but I can only imagine how she must have been feeling to have both of her parents missing when she was feeling so crappy. Sadly, the fact that she was sick meant that she wasn't able to come to the hospital to meet her new little sister.

Lilah was on the mend by the time we were discharged from the hospital and I hoped she would be in good spirits when we arrived home with Charlotte. We live in a pretty small apartment and Lilah's room is the first room you look into when you open our front door. There she was lying in bed with the saddest look on her face. As soon as she saw us, the tears began to flow. She actually rejected me a little at first by turning over in her bed and facing away from me. It broke my heart because she was just so sad. After some initial cuddles with Lilah, we brought Charlotte into her room and introduced them. Needless to say, it wasn't the meeting I was hoping for.

The first few days at home were really tough. Lilah threw her first ever temper tantrum, refused to eat, and was generally sad, emotional, grumpy...whatever you want to call it. It was really hard for her to adjust to me holding and feeding Charlotte almost constantly and she would get really upset when her Daddy held the new baby. Add to this the post-partum hormones I was experiencing and you have a recipe for emotional breakdowns. I was in tears several times because all I wanted to do was hold Lilah in my arms and reassure her that things were going to be alright, play with her and have the same relationship we did three days prior.

Looking back, it was silly to make such a big deal out of that first meeting and to think that it would have an impact on the kind of relationship my daughters would ultimately develop. As upsetting as it was, I didn't need to worry that the turmoil of those first few weeks would forever change my relationship with Lilah. Here we are two months in and Lilah acts as if Charlotte has been here the whole time. She shows a genuine interest in her, tries to get her to hold toys, knows and sings her favorite song, lays beside her on her play mat and helps me out by getting diapers, burp cloths and clothes. Lilah is a wonderful helper around the house and is back to her old, happy 2-year old self. Our relationship isn't exactly the same, but that is to be expected. We still do most of the same things we used to, but we do them a little differently and we do them with Charlotte. I don't have the same amount of time I used to have to do crafts, play and read stories, but that is only temporary and will change as Charlotte gets older.

Of course, there are bumps in the road. At times, Lilah doesn't want to let Charlotte sit in her bouncy chair or lay on her play mat because Lilah thinks she needs to have a turn. Lilah occasionally has trouble sharing her Daddy with Charlotte, but that seems to be dissipating. We have good days when Charlotte sleeps and we have time to play together and we have bad days when it seems as though Lilah played by herself for most of the day. That is life. We all have good days and bad days and we have to take them one at a time and enjoy them for what they are.

My advice to parents expecting a second child (depending on the age of your older child) is to read and talk a lot about it ahead of time. When talking about the baby, say "our baby" a lot to instill the idea that the new addition is a part of all of us. Try not to make too big of a fuss out of the first meeting (and try not to build up the event in your own head either because you may not get the reaction you are hoping for). Talk to the new baby about the older child often (ie. "Look Charlotte. Lilah is painting a beautiful picture.") to make your older child feel attended to and important. Point out to your older child all of the things they can do that make them special (ie. "You can eat apples because you are a big girl. Charlotte can't eat apples until she has teeth just like you do.") A new sibling entering the family is definitely tough for awhile, but soon enough it will seem like this is the way things have always been.

The Important Things

Our house rarely gets cleaned anymore, our dishes don’t get washed as quickly as I would like, our laundry piles up until we have 4 or more loads to do at one time and our linens and towels no longer get washed as often as they used to. The pile of papers I need to file and organize just keeps getting bigger and bigger and I have very little time to cook or bake.

There are days when I feel like I have no time to just play with my 2 year-old and days when I feel like I have no time to interact with my 2-month old. I would love to be able to give my older daughter the same kind of attention I did before we had a second child and I would love to be able to give my baby girl the same kind of attention that her older sister had when she was a baby.

I am now a mother of two and rather than dwelling on all of the things that are not getting done or the things that I don’t feel like I am doing a very good job at right now, I am trying really hard every day to focus on the things that I do accomplish and that I am good at.

I am a good mother! My children are rested, clean, fed, clothed and they get fresh air almost every single day. I believe those are major accomplishments in and of themselves considering the time, energy and resources I currently have! I am doing the best that I can and I think I am doing a darn good job.

As mothers, we need to toot our own horns OFTEN because there are so many things that we do every single day for our families that go unnoticed by the outside world and that we get very little recognition or praise for.

The highlights of my day are waking up to the smiling faces of my two beautiful children and my loving husband, seeing my baby girl grin from ear to ear when I sing her favorite song, giving my daughter a colored bubble bath and reading her bedtime stories, and eating dinner together as a family (which is sometimes impossible with a new baby). They are simple things, but they are the important things. Who cares if I got around to cleaning the bathroom or vacuuming the floors? No one is going to notice that I have piles of laundry waiting to be washed or paperwork that needs to be filed. The happiness of my family is what is important and I am writing this blog to remind myself of that more than anything else.

For all of you mothers out there that are striving to check everything off of your to-do list and be the best at everything, take a moment to reflect on what is truly important and focus on being the best that you can be for yourself and for your family.